Sleeping Beauty.

Thanks to my new diet of deep-fried haggis and tea I'm feeling a lot better now. If only we'd had such innovations in the tenth century - people would have have had so much trouble moving they wouldn't have been able to start wars over dynastic succession.

I do hope that the new pontiff settles in and creates some decent Dr. Who villains. Young kids walking around with gas-masks on saying "Where's my mummy?" just don't do it for me. They could at least have given him a plunger for an arm.

Although it's technically a holiday, the colonel has chosen to come into the office to sleep. Any suggestions as to how I should wake him up?

Something from the guardian.

Medibot!

Respect and Reform

I listened to the speech given by the so-called Queen Elizabeth II this morning, and I've got to say I was disappointed. The theme of "Respect and Reform" was not carried through sufficiently, resulting in proposed legislation which is far too liberal for the world we live in today. Here are my proposals:

• Given the ongoing threat of terrorism, all citizens shall be required to perform 1 hour of archery practice every day and to ensure that they carry their longbow at all times.


• Any meeting of three of more women will be deemed to be a "coven" and hence be committing the offence of "engaging in the planning or preparation of an act of terrorism".


• Not only will youths be banned from wearing hoods, they will have to wear school uniform at all times, address all adults as sir/madam, and be referred to as "little wee men."


• No individual will be permitted to have a creative thought without the written permission of the prime minister.


• Continued reform of the NHS bureaucracy will result in conventional anesthetic being replaced by buckets of boiling pitch. MRSA will also be prevented in this way.

Celebration

Now that the Colonel has joined us on our voyage through time and space (first posting to appear shortly) I thought it would be a good time for a traditional Scottish celebration, so we purchased five bottles of White lightning and went to a bus-shelter to get drunk. The lads soon got into the swing a' things and Jane remarked: "I've never seen a bus-shelter so happily situated; I like it very well indeed!". Some time later a red double-decker rolled up to which seemed to be full of some rather confused second rate actors - we soon realised that somehow we'd ended up on the set of Summer Holiday. Cliff Richard jumped out inquired as to "what the f**k are you doing here?". At this point Jane declared herself to be "vexed" and gave Cliff what we like to call a Glasgow kiss. Things could have turned nasty but thanks to a well aimed bargain bucket from the Colonel and his threatening looking assistant we managed to stagger back to the office.

On the way back we stopped off in 1984 so I could buy a walkman to listen to my "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" tapes. If you haven't seen the film yet then you really ought to.

Escape

Since that bloody incompetent husband of mine has the armies of both England and Scotland besieging his castle, I felt it would be a good time to fake my own death and run off. How fortunate then that an office of mathematicians arrived and invited me to join them in their quest. Today I'm investigating obscure properties of the Arf invariant, but one day I will be Queen of Scotland (or at least leader of the Scottish green party).

Where next, Austen?